in between Lesson #1 and Lesson #2

Just had a few quick thoughts to add about the first part of my testimony. It's amazing how God uses our screw ups in life to keep teaching us about Himself and ourselves over and over again. I don't know why, but I'm continually astounded how God uses these screw ups to continue fashioning me into the woman he wants me to be. Last night I was in a conversation with a friend and realized something about myself related to all of my relationship mis-steps this past year: when I fully rely on the Lord, I forgive easily, but I also want to be forgiven. It loops back to how I view friendship with believers and the fact that I'm naturally trusting of people.

It doesn't take a lot for me to open up to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Maybe it's because I'm hyper-emotional or overly effusive or maybe it's because I really do believe in I Peter 4:8 which commands us to "keep loving one another earnestly." Hopefully a combination of both, but erring to the latter. Now I don't think the desire to be forgiven (really a desire to reconcile with a brother or sister in Christ) is wrong. In fact Christ commands us to lay down our gifts to Him and go and be reconciled to our brothers in Matthew.

And, as my faith matures, reconciliation and forgiveness are two governing forces in my life, primarily because (after over 20 years as a Christ-follower) I have finally begun to internalize that the primary message of Christ is grace. But the more I've analyzed why I want to be forgiven, the more I realize my motivations about it aren't always 100 percent pure. I want to be forgiven because I like to be a person people trust and need and want to tell important life stuff to because at the end of the day I want to feel needed. The problem is that if I don't first and foremost and fundamentally seek that validation in Christ, I'm going to be dissapointed because at the end of the day we're all screw ups (see Lesson #1).

So every day, sometimes every minute, I have to remind myself that I need Christ first. Then my brothers and sisters. Then me. Easier than it sounds but amazingly freeing when you let God lead and get it right. And it allows you to forgive and to love and not expect anything back.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33