I'm one of those people who's always worked hard. Even my name, Emilee, means industrious. And I am every bit of that word. I'm not blind to what a gift this is, but tonight I got to thinking about my faith and how it's so contrary to my own nature because I can't work for it. This is what spilled out...
Toil and spin,
Work the day away,
Sleep
Wake up
Go to work
Come home
Sleep
Wake up
Do it all again.
This is life isn't it?
If at first you don't succeed,
try again, right?
But I try,
and try and try and try
To make my way
Do it all on my own
Make it alone.
Inevitable failure.
Fatally flawed.
Ring around the rosy.
We all fall down.
Pick up and try again.
Exhausted with myself.
Exhausted by myself.
Exhausted of myself.
Finally.
Something I don't have to work for.
Wait, what? I can't work for it?
I can't earn it?
I can't do anything for it?
Let me work for it.
It's the only way I know.
I need to feel like I've earned it.
Like I deserve it.
Payback for all that's been done.
But I can't.
A lifetime of being conditioned isn't easily overcome.
Simultaneously done and undone.
You are the only One.
My debt is settled.
Now what?
"But by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
real forgiveness
Sitting in Frontline tonight, I didn't expect to be convicted. It was a communion message on forgiveness. Mike Kelsey (one of the pastors) taught out of Colossians 2:
"And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross."
Colossians 2:13-14
Two powerful verses, but verses I've heard before, and know well and (think I) understand. After driving back to DC from Ohio I was tired and not ready to be engaged in worship or in the sermon. Of course, it's times like these, in moments where we think we know everything, that we are often hit smack in the face with how little we know and understand. For better or worse, I've been a Christ follower nearly my entire life. My faith has gone through valleys and over mountaintops but it's always provided the foundation for my life. The priviledge of growing up in the church isn't something I take lightly, but sometimes I think it's made me overly confident in my understanding of a lot of basic Christian principles.
The older I get the more I realize I have a lot of head knowledge but not as much soul knowledge of Christ. Forgiveness is a prime example and the Lord reminded me tonight of how much more I have to learn about forgiving like He forgives. I think I've even written on this blog how forgiveness comes naturally to me. In some ways this is true. I typically don't hold grudges or stay angry very long, but not "being mad" anymore isn't forgiveness--which is what Mike Kelsey jarred me out of my seat with tonight. It's easy to not be mad at someone anymore, but real forgiveness--Colossians 2:14 forgiveness--is entirely diffrent. It's looking a person in the eye and saying you are no longer indebted to me for whatever sin or crime or hurt you've inflicted on me. It's extending the grace Christ extended us on the cross, by bearing the payment for everything we owed, owe, and will continue to owe God.
When I reconsider forgiveness in this way, I realize I'm not as good at it as I like to think. Sure, it's easy to forgive the small things. But the people who've hurt me beyond the superficial, by what they've said or done or not done to me, those people I don't forgive quite as easily, especially when I feel like that person isn't genuinely sorry for what they did. Time numbs anger, it dulls hate, but time doesn't enable forgiveness. Only our heavenly Father can equip us to forgive unconditionally, in the way He has forgiven us with Christ's sacrifice. Once again, it isn't about me being able to do this or that, it's about me being able to surrender my hurt. It's about Christ filling me up and showing me what real forgiveness means in a practical sense.
Hard to realize that I'm not there yet with a few people...
"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" Colossians 3:12-13
"And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross."
Colossians 2:13-14
Two powerful verses, but verses I've heard before, and know well and (think I) understand. After driving back to DC from Ohio I was tired and not ready to be engaged in worship or in the sermon. Of course, it's times like these, in moments where we think we know everything, that we are often hit smack in the face with how little we know and understand. For better or worse, I've been a Christ follower nearly my entire life. My faith has gone through valleys and over mountaintops but it's always provided the foundation for my life. The priviledge of growing up in the church isn't something I take lightly, but sometimes I think it's made me overly confident in my understanding of a lot of basic Christian principles.
The older I get the more I realize I have a lot of head knowledge but not as much soul knowledge of Christ. Forgiveness is a prime example and the Lord reminded me tonight of how much more I have to learn about forgiving like He forgives. I think I've even written on this blog how forgiveness comes naturally to me. In some ways this is true. I typically don't hold grudges or stay angry very long, but not "being mad" anymore isn't forgiveness--which is what Mike Kelsey jarred me out of my seat with tonight. It's easy to not be mad at someone anymore, but real forgiveness--Colossians 2:14 forgiveness--is entirely diffrent. It's looking a person in the eye and saying you are no longer indebted to me for whatever sin or crime or hurt you've inflicted on me. It's extending the grace Christ extended us on the cross, by bearing the payment for everything we owed, owe, and will continue to owe God.
When I reconsider forgiveness in this way, I realize I'm not as good at it as I like to think. Sure, it's easy to forgive the small things. But the people who've hurt me beyond the superficial, by what they've said or done or not done to me, those people I don't forgive quite as easily, especially when I feel like that person isn't genuinely sorry for what they did. Time numbs anger, it dulls hate, but time doesn't enable forgiveness. Only our heavenly Father can equip us to forgive unconditionally, in the way He has forgiven us with Christ's sacrifice. Once again, it isn't about me being able to do this or that, it's about me being able to surrender my hurt. It's about Christ filling me up and showing me what real forgiveness means in a practical sense.
Hard to realize that I'm not there yet with a few people...
"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" Colossians 3:12-13
Thursday, August 6, 2009
an epiphany (or trying to understand grace and mercy, part two)
So why is it so difficult for me to accept grace and mercy in my own life? I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past month. After two weeks on the mission field I still didn't understand it. I don't understand why it took me coming home from my missions trip and away from so much spiritual warfare for God to grow me this way, but this week, He allowed me to put my feet, my heart and my soul into a refining fire and to get my first glimpse of why I've never fully understood grace in a tangible, personal way.
My entire adult life, or really since I've moved to DC and actively begun to seek out what my faith means to me, I've been trying to accomplish something. I've been trying to find my way, make friends, plan my future. I've been trying to live life the way I thought God wanted me to live it. I've been trying to do this or that or the other thing. Are you seeing the common theme here yet? It's easier probably for you to see than it has been for me. That these sentences are loaded down with two things: the word 'I' and the idea that by some measure of my own effort I can become the new creation Christ demands me to be in 2 Corinthians. Never before has it struck me how imbedded this striving, self-reliant nature is in me, nor have I realized how crippling it has been to my faith.
This astonishing, sudden awareness that I can do NOTHING to earn grace is the most basic tenant of being a Christ-follower, but it's a concept that my type-A, I need to make-something-out-of-myself personality has prevented me from embracing for 20 years. It's something I've had an incredible amount of head knowledge about, but very little soul knowledge about.
It's only by God's grace that he's finally revealed to me the measure of his forgiveness and the extent of his grace towards me. I have been trying (and failing miserably) to understand grace for a long time. What I didn't realize before that God has made so evident to me the past few days, is that only by the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me can I actually understand grace. That's such a freeing idea. So freeing that as I walk through the midst of brokenness and heartache I am strangely able to rejoice. I am able to rejoice as I suffer. I am able to rejoice because I suffer. I COULD NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN. I can't. I've tried and I've failed many many times over, which is what convinces me all the more of the authenticity and reality of my faith. Because contrary to every human and worldly notion, I am joyful today when I should be anything but joyful. Because by any way I try to spin it rationally, I can't. It's crazy. The only explanation for this is God's grace.
Grace is something I've known for a long time in my head but never fully experienced in my heart. What about you? Do you have soul knowledge of grace? Real soul knowledge? Knowledge that only comes by the power of the Holy Spirit? If not, get on your knees and start praying expectantly for God to reveal it to you. He's waiting for you to ask. He'll answer.
"But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more glady of my weakness so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
My entire adult life, or really since I've moved to DC and actively begun to seek out what my faith means to me, I've been trying to accomplish something. I've been trying to find my way, make friends, plan my future. I've been trying to live life the way I thought God wanted me to live it. I've been trying to do this or that or the other thing. Are you seeing the common theme here yet? It's easier probably for you to see than it has been for me. That these sentences are loaded down with two things: the word 'I' and the idea that by some measure of my own effort I can become the new creation Christ demands me to be in 2 Corinthians. Never before has it struck me how imbedded this striving, self-reliant nature is in me, nor have I realized how crippling it has been to my faith.
This astonishing, sudden awareness that I can do NOTHING to earn grace is the most basic tenant of being a Christ-follower, but it's a concept that my type-A, I need to make-something-out-of-myself personality has prevented me from embracing for 20 years. It's something I've had an incredible amount of head knowledge about, but very little soul knowledge about.
It's only by God's grace that he's finally revealed to me the measure of his forgiveness and the extent of his grace towards me. I have been trying (and failing miserably) to understand grace for a long time. What I didn't realize before that God has made so evident to me the past few days, is that only by the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me can I actually understand grace. That's such a freeing idea. So freeing that as I walk through the midst of brokenness and heartache I am strangely able to rejoice. I am able to rejoice as I suffer. I am able to rejoice because I suffer. I COULD NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN. I can't. I've tried and I've failed many many times over, which is what convinces me all the more of the authenticity and reality of my faith. Because contrary to every human and worldly notion, I am joyful today when I should be anything but joyful. Because by any way I try to spin it rationally, I can't. It's crazy. The only explanation for this is God's grace.
Grace is something I've known for a long time in my head but never fully experienced in my heart. What about you? Do you have soul knowledge of grace? Real soul knowledge? Knowledge that only comes by the power of the Holy Spirit? If not, get on your knees and start praying expectantly for God to reveal it to you. He's waiting for you to ask. He'll answer.
"But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more glady of my weakness so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
trying to understand mercy and grace, part one
Mercy: not getting something you do deserve.
Grace: getting something you don't deserve.
These are text book definitions for most Sunday schoolers. But, how often do you encounter these two qualities in people? How often do you express them towards people you love? How often do you express them towards people you don't love? Either in part or in combination. These qualities--two qualities that are not only imperative to a complete knowledge of crazy love, but also crucial to the foundation of my faith--are tremendously challenging to me. For whatever reason, the mantra of an "eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth" is far more easily ingrained in my mind and I can't figure out why. The more confusing thing is that I don't have a hard time extending grace and mercy towards other people. It's not that I'm perfect. Far from it. I just have an easily forgiving heart. I don't hold grudges. I tend to take the blame and bear the burdens of everyone else in addition to my own. Try as I might, though, I can't self-diagnose why I operate this way towards myself.
Maybe a good place to start is to try to explain why it's relatively easy for me to give grace and mercy to others. Simply, I have a heart for people that can only be explained through God. By any wordly standard, the fact that I am not only willing but able to experience discomfort or pain or to sacrifice my own desires to ensure another's needs are met above and before my own makes absolutely no sense at all. But the Lord calls us to it in so many passages in the Bible I could devote an entire series of blogs to writing about how we are called to be gracious and merciful towards one another. For the sake of brevity, however, I'll use two of my favorite passages:
"So speak and so act as ones who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgement is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgement." James 2:12-13
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Each of you should use whatever gift he has to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." I Peter 4:9-10
Each of these models of human behavior run hard against the grain of conventional ways of thinking. However, the directives could not be more clear: mercy and grace towards others. Paul takes Mercy a step further. Calling us to extend it above judgement. The more I've thought about this, the more I've recognized that the times in my life or the moments when I want to pass judgement on someone about anything (whether it be the shirt they have on or how they choose to live their life) it's usually less to do with them and more to do with me. Me being either defensive or jealous or selfish. Judgement is a fantastic mechanism for shifting the focus (and often blame) away from ourselves and on to other things. But mercy is victorious above judgement in every situation--whether it be work, or play, or love. Mercy is a wonderfully freeing attitude, perhaps this is why Paul ties it to the law of liberty. As good as the "just desserts" approach can feel sometimes, I rarely find any lasting pleasure in dealing someone what I think they deserve if they mistreat me in some way or another. Yet, as often as I am able to rise above and extend mercy, my mind and heart are at ease.
Interestingly, in the second passage, Peter qualifies the grace. It's not human grace or your grace or any grace stemming out of your own ability or willpower. It's God's grace in it's many forms. What is God's grace? This is something I can tell you, but even after twenty years of being a Christian can't understand. God's grace is loving us more than we deserve. God's grace is giving us access to Himself--a perfect, holy, righteous being. God's grace is promising us eternal crowns of life should we choose to love him and walk in His ways. God's grace is doing what's best for us despite our failed attempts to do what we think is best for ourselves. The terms gracious and graceful are tossed around lightly, but what does it mean to be truly grace-filled I wonder. I think about this a lot when I walk by the same homeless men that stand near my office every morning. There is no limit to God's grace, how does this translate into my own life? It's easy to be grace-filled towards those people you love, but what about those people that you don't? What about towards people you don't even know? This is what we are called to as believers. Ongoing, constant, limitless grace not just towards our friends, but towards enemies and strangers.
Oddly enough, this tandem of mercy and grace, once you embrace it, offers a more complete and knowable joy than living life in the other direction, focused on revenge and selfishness. Letting go of judgement, letting go of anger, and hatred frees you from living life in a self-focused prison. Crazy love kind of ideas to anyone who hasn't experienced both of these qualities in full measure from the Lord through his son Jesus Christ. So this is where I'll run in the second part of this post. Experiencing mercy and grace in my own life, because, frankly, I'm not very good at it. But if I claim to be good at showing mercy and grace to others, I must first realize and understand both of these illogical, irrational, crazy love gifts from God in my own life...
Grace: getting something you don't deserve.
These are text book definitions for most Sunday schoolers. But, how often do you encounter these two qualities in people? How often do you express them towards people you love? How often do you express them towards people you don't love? Either in part or in combination. These qualities--two qualities that are not only imperative to a complete knowledge of crazy love, but also crucial to the foundation of my faith--are tremendously challenging to me. For whatever reason, the mantra of an "eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth" is far more easily ingrained in my mind and I can't figure out why. The more confusing thing is that I don't have a hard time extending grace and mercy towards other people. It's not that I'm perfect. Far from it. I just have an easily forgiving heart. I don't hold grudges. I tend to take the blame and bear the burdens of everyone else in addition to my own. Try as I might, though, I can't self-diagnose why I operate this way towards myself.
Maybe a good place to start is to try to explain why it's relatively easy for me to give grace and mercy to others. Simply, I have a heart for people that can only be explained through God. By any wordly standard, the fact that I am not only willing but able to experience discomfort or pain or to sacrifice my own desires to ensure another's needs are met above and before my own makes absolutely no sense at all. But the Lord calls us to it in so many passages in the Bible I could devote an entire series of blogs to writing about how we are called to be gracious and merciful towards one another. For the sake of brevity, however, I'll use two of my favorite passages:
"So speak and so act as ones who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgement is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgement." James 2:12-13
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Each of you should use whatever gift he has to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." I Peter 4:9-10
Each of these models of human behavior run hard against the grain of conventional ways of thinking. However, the directives could not be more clear: mercy and grace towards others. Paul takes Mercy a step further. Calling us to extend it above judgement. The more I've thought about this, the more I've recognized that the times in my life or the moments when I want to pass judgement on someone about anything (whether it be the shirt they have on or how they choose to live their life) it's usually less to do with them and more to do with me. Me being either defensive or jealous or selfish. Judgement is a fantastic mechanism for shifting the focus (and often blame) away from ourselves and on to other things. But mercy is victorious above judgement in every situation--whether it be work, or play, or love. Mercy is a wonderfully freeing attitude, perhaps this is why Paul ties it to the law of liberty. As good as the "just desserts" approach can feel sometimes, I rarely find any lasting pleasure in dealing someone what I think they deserve if they mistreat me in some way or another. Yet, as often as I am able to rise above and extend mercy, my mind and heart are at ease.
Interestingly, in the second passage, Peter qualifies the grace. It's not human grace or your grace or any grace stemming out of your own ability or willpower. It's God's grace in it's many forms. What is God's grace? This is something I can tell you, but even after twenty years of being a Christian can't understand. God's grace is loving us more than we deserve. God's grace is giving us access to Himself--a perfect, holy, righteous being. God's grace is promising us eternal crowns of life should we choose to love him and walk in His ways. God's grace is doing what's best for us despite our failed attempts to do what we think is best for ourselves. The terms gracious and graceful are tossed around lightly, but what does it mean to be truly grace-filled I wonder. I think about this a lot when I walk by the same homeless men that stand near my office every morning. There is no limit to God's grace, how does this translate into my own life? It's easy to be grace-filled towards those people you love, but what about those people that you don't? What about towards people you don't even know? This is what we are called to as believers. Ongoing, constant, limitless grace not just towards our friends, but towards enemies and strangers.
Oddly enough, this tandem of mercy and grace, once you embrace it, offers a more complete and knowable joy than living life in the other direction, focused on revenge and selfishness. Letting go of judgement, letting go of anger, and hatred frees you from living life in a self-focused prison. Crazy love kind of ideas to anyone who hasn't experienced both of these qualities in full measure from the Lord through his son Jesus Christ. So this is where I'll run in the second part of this post. Experiencing mercy and grace in my own life, because, frankly, I'm not very good at it. But if I claim to be good at showing mercy and grace to others, I must first realize and understand both of these illogical, irrational, crazy love gifts from God in my own life...
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