daily

I don't know why it surprises me that I need to be reminded of the truth of the Gospel every day, but it does. And I really do need to be reminded every day. The thing is God knows this (and what's more he's okay with it - which is even harder for me to understand). Take a look at just a few of the verses in the Bible that talk about taking things one day at a time or refer to time in days (FYI the word day is used over 2,000 times in Old and New Testaments so this is just a sample):

• "Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation" - Psalm 68:19 
• "This is the day that the Lord has made" - Psalm 118:24 
• "Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and every" - Psalm 145:2 
• "For he will not remember much the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with Joy in his heart." - Ecclesiastes 5:20 
• "Give us this day our daily bread" - Matthew 6:11 
• "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious about itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble." - Matthew 6:24 
• "And he said to all, 'If anyone would come after me, let him take up his cross daily and follow me'" Luke 9:26

I tend to be a big picture gal and I like to look situations and people and look forward to how they all fit together and how the future will work out. But our walk with the Lord is a life long process that unfolds on a daily basis, sometimes even on a moment-by-moment basis. I may have surrendered my life to Christ, but if I don't surrender my day to Him, I surrender my day to the enemy. 

My life gets messy really fast if I start thinking too much about how things are going to work out or what is going to happen because when I spend that much time forgetting to think about what's right in front of me and what I need to get done today. And I think a lot of what Paul is talking about in Philippians when he says "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation," (Philippians 4:12), is recognizing the need to take up his cross daily - surrendering each moment to Christ.

shhhh...

"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible" Ephesians 5:8-13

Where is the line between secrets and privacy and transparency and openness in Christian community? Should there even be a line? I'm overwhemingly open about my life, with close friends, even sometimes with close acquaintances or perfect strangers. I just don't have a lot I'm uncomfortable talking about.

And a lot of times I bristle when people say things like "I don't want everyone up in my business." I tend to associate that kind of life mantra with sin, just because when I keep secrets, it's usually about sin. In Ephesians 5, Paul tells us to walk as children of light, keeping all things visible before God and before man. He doesn't command us to walk as a child of light. He commands us to walk as children of light. In other words, he commands us to walk in community. We can't rid ourselves effectively of our own sin. Only the Holy Spirit can. And a lot of times it requires the help of our brothers and sisters in Christ who have been where we are, struggling with a particular sin and want to pull us along. 

Secrets seem to be characteristic of darkness, rather than the light that comes from the fruit of the Spirit Paul is imploring us to pursue. When I'm not being 100 percent honest with my close friends, it usually means Satan is finding a foothold somewhere in my life. 

I've had to think about this a lot lately as I'm wrestling with being open and over-sharing - especially when my transparency involves other people, which seems to bring in another layer of questions on gossip and respect and trust. When sin involves me and someone else whether it be anger or jealousy or impurity or anything else, and I share it with someone, how do I walk a balance between exposing darkness and gossip?

This morning a friend of mine told me that while being open with others (others meaning believers in my life who's walk with the Lord I trust) isn't inherently bad, if I'm not going to expose the darkness to the Lord first, I'm off target. Sometimes in my transparency I unintentionally hurt people I care about. And the more I think about it, the quieter I want to become. Still not so quiet as to let darkness take root in my own life or in my community. So I guess the question is when do you keep secrets?

to judge or to love?

Is there a difference between judging someone and disagreeing with what they do? My immediate response is yes, but I don't think it's a simple question. Mostly because I think the answer comes down to having a clear understanding of personal motivation, which is gray and complex and difficult to self-diagnose, let alone really understand in others. Usually I can tell the difference between when I'm judging someone and when I really just don't like what they're doing because I can see how much it's hurting them. But sometimes it's not that simple.

As Christ-followers, God commands us not to judge but to love. Not just because the damage judgment can cause is deep and long lasting, but because more often than not, we have no idea what's really going on in people's minds. God is the only one who fully (and truthfully) knows the human heart: "For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart" (I Samuel 16:7). God alone knows our hearts. And the eternal consequences of judging others are not insignificant. We face harsher judgment in heaven. We face the the removal of God's mercy. We face a life of relationships that are far more difficult than they are intended to be (Luke 6).

So where is there a difference between judging someone and disagreeing with their actions because you know they're hurting themselves by what they're doing? (Disclaimer: this only applies to Christ followers, non-believers are exempt) How much do you keep loving someone when you know what they're doing is wrong? damaging to themselves? I don't know. Usually I err on the side of love. It's safer. And it's so difficult to not set yourself up as a judge, even if you are convicted by God. The thing is, God's love and forgiveness for us never runs out. Ever. The Israelites (entire Old Testament), the prodigal son (Luke 15), the adulteress woman (John 8), the Bible is full of examples like these that demonstrate God's unfathomable, unfailing, forgiving love towards us.

The more my faith matures, the more I'm convinced that life of a true Christ-follower is to model this kind of relentless love. Back to my question on judgment then. How do you lovingly disagree? How do you say to someone you care about "I love you, but you can't do this anymore"? Beyond that, how do you keep loving them when their consistent response to that question is, "I don't care"?  Because that's what really matters. Keeping on loving them no matter what, recognizing God doesn't call us to rescue each other. That's his job. He simply commands us to love one another as He first and continually and forever loves us...

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another." (John 13:34)

addictive behavior

A soft push and I'm falling
Into you again
Black hole
Inhaling everything I am

A soft pull and I'm running
Running hard
Straight in to your folded arms

Your my Pandora
I want to escape but I can't
You opened me up
Now I don't fit back in

Undone again and again
You know parts of me
Parts of me no one else does
But just a fraction of who I really am

Your my Pandora
I want to escape but I can't
You opened me up
Now I don't fit back in

Ashamed but addicted all the same
Unchanging actions
But different outcome expected
You push me toward insanity

You opened me up
Now I don't fit back in
You opened me up
Now I don't fit back in
You opened me up

empty my hands

I've got voices in my head and they are so strong
And I'm getting sick of this, oh Lord, how long
Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe
My hands like locks on cages
Of these dreams I can't set free

But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find that letting go lets me come alive

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
With You, with You Lord

These voices in speak instead and what's right is wrong
And I'm giving into them, please Lord, how long
Will I be held captive by the lies that I believe
My heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived

But if I let these dreams die
If I could just lay down my dark desire
If I let these dreams die
Will I find you brought me back to life

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh Lord, empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You

Cause my mind is like a building burning down
I need Your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
And my heart is just a prisoner of war
A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for

So won't you empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You

With You, with You
I need You, I need you my Lord
With You, with You
I need you now Lord

-Tenth Avenue North "Empty My Hands"

in between Lesson #1 and Lesson #2

Just had a few quick thoughts to add about the first part of my testimony. It's amazing how God uses our screw ups in life to keep teaching us about Himself and ourselves over and over again. I don't know why, but I'm continually astounded how God uses these screw ups to continue fashioning me into the woman he wants me to be. Last night I was in a conversation with a friend and realized something about myself related to all of my relationship mis-steps this past year: when I fully rely on the Lord, I forgive easily, but I also want to be forgiven. It loops back to how I view friendship with believers and the fact that I'm naturally trusting of people.

It doesn't take a lot for me to open up to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Maybe it's because I'm hyper-emotional or overly effusive or maybe it's because I really do believe in I Peter 4:8 which commands us to "keep loving one another earnestly." Hopefully a combination of both, but erring to the latter. Now I don't think the desire to be forgiven (really a desire to reconcile with a brother or sister in Christ) is wrong. In fact Christ commands us to lay down our gifts to Him and go and be reconciled to our brothers in Matthew.

And, as my faith matures, reconciliation and forgiveness are two governing forces in my life, primarily because (after over 20 years as a Christ-follower) I have finally begun to internalize that the primary message of Christ is grace. But the more I've analyzed why I want to be forgiven, the more I realize my motivations about it aren't always 100 percent pure. I want to be forgiven because I like to be a person people trust and need and want to tell important life stuff to because at the end of the day I want to feel needed. The problem is that if I don't first and foremost and fundamentally seek that validation in Christ, I'm going to be dissapointed because at the end of the day we're all screw ups (see Lesson #1).

So every day, sometimes every minute, I have to remind myself that I need Christ first. Then my brothers and sisters. Then me. Easier than it sounds but amazingly freeing when you let God lead and get it right. And it allows you to forgive and to love and not expect anything back.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

Lesson #1: I am a sinner, not just a person who sins

As I sit down to write this four-part testimony, I keep thinking about getting these lessons "right," which is unbelievably ironic given what the first lesson is about--that no matter how hard I try I can't get it right. Mostly, I just want this testimony not to be about me, but to be about what God is doing in my life, because my life isn't about me anymore. It's about the Lord. Onto the first lesson then. This year (or really the past six years) has been a year of me learning about my true character. Basically, I've finally recognized that I'm capable of the worst and if left to my own devices I'll be selfish and mean and horrible and do awful things. 

This may not seem like such an "ah-ha" revelation, and I know I'm not going into a lot of detail about what the awful things have been. Suffice it to say I've done things I never imagined I was capable of doing. Most of it's been related to epically screwing up relationships in my life. And as someone who's written an entire blog about love and how much I love the stuffing out of my friends and family and even complete strangers on the street, it's been a tough pill to swallow. For the better part of my life, I've walked around thinking my natural inclination was toward kindness. But my life has become a testimony of that favorite debate topic: is man inherently good or inherently evil? The answer to which God reveals in the very beginning of the Bible after the Fall and before He destroys the Earth with the Flood.

"The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on earth had become, and that every inclinations of the thoughts of his heart was only after evil all the time. The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain." Genesis 6:5-6

No matter how much we want to, or try to, or think we can, our hearts are only after evil. Praise God for this, because if I were inherently good, I wouldn't need the Lord--the Lord who is by very definition good. And wow, I need the Lord so much. Even having been a Christ-follower since I was four years old, I've never understood fully this, and I'm pretty sure I still don't. Thankfully God has been patient enough with me (and loves me enough) to allow me to see how much of a screw up I am when I try to do life on my own. He's taken time to reveal to me that I am a sinner, not just a person who sins, and to begin to show me the full measure of His grace--grace that is the definition of our life in Christ.

amazing grace

During the sermon on Sunday night, Todd Phillips (our teaching pastor at Frontline) quipped, "Christianity isn't a sin management program." I think I immediately said, "AMEN!" Despite it's simplicity, this statement couldn't be more profound. Christianity isn't about getting things right, because, at the end of the day, we're all screw ups who (apart from God) can't get it right. No, Christianity is about being loved by and falling in love with the Creator of the universe and having a real, vibrant relationship with the living God.

With that in mind, I want to try to tell you why I know (not just in my head, but in my heart) Christianity to be so much more than "getting life right." This testimony has been a lifetime in the making, but I'm going to focus mostly on the past year, a year in which God has fundamentally changed my faith. Honestly, I'm not sure this is something I'm going to be able to verbalize very well, as I've had trouble explaining it even to close friends. And, given my tendency to be overly verbose, I'm going to go with a four point approach. 

It all started last spring, when I prayed, "Lord, help me to know that I know that I know." Had I had any clue about the refining fire the Lord would put me through to convert 22 years of head knowledge into real heart knowledge and real faith, I may have prayed a little differently. Thankfully, God loves me beyond measure despite the fact that I'm an irreparable screw up. Without further ado then, the four big things God has taught me in the past year (and in a lot of ways is continuing to teach me)...

Lesson #1. At my core I am a sinner and not just a person who sins

Lesson #2. God's grace and healing surpasses sufficiency (and my understanding)

Lesson #3. God has equipped me with a rare amount of compassion

Lesson #4. God is teaching me how to love people like he does (and I kind of still suck at it)

The summary of all of this aligns pretty well with my favorite Christian songs of the moment by the David Crowder Band, "How He Loves." We have a God that loves us so much and there isn't an adjective to adequately describe how amazing it is. So, I'm going to use the next four blogs to dive into each of these a little more deeply and hope that the excitement and passion God has grown up in me for Himself translates better than I anticipate. In the meantime, I'm praying Paul's words for each of you:

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family on heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with the saints, to grasp how wide and how long and how high and how deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19

night vision

Just wanted to direct you to the sermon that Mike Kelsey gave tonight at Frontline. It was out of Psalm 13, and about navigating through tough times in your life. A few points really stuck out to me:

#1. Your ability to come to God in times of trouble is only as big as  your perception of God...this is so true. My vision of the Lord directly affects how I approach Him when I struggle with things. In my heart, I know the Lord to be so many things. Still, in moments of struggle, especially when I'm feeling the weight of sin in my life or guilt for not acting as I know I should or making decisions within God's will, my personal tendency is to view the Lord as the perfect and holy judge. It's a view that limits me from embracing the forgiveness, mercy, grace, and love of God's character. 

#2. Do not mistake honesty with God (i.e. expressing the struggle and doubts in your heart about current life circumstances) for a lack of faith--unless you let those doubts drive you away from God. I'm constantly humbled by the smallness of my faith, especially in light of the fact of what I believe about God. Last fall I adopted the mantra, "trying to be a mustard seed," and I frequently reference Hebrews 11 and how I wish I had faith like the fathers of our faith. Right now, for example, I'm having a really hard time with singleness. It's something that comes in waves for me, and while I firmly believe if God wanted me to be married, or even dating right now I would be, I still find myself calling out like David: "how long?". If I'm really honest, right now, it's putting a rift between me and the Lord. I find myself pushing Him away and trying to make my own decisions about it, even while I'm honestly expressing my heart's desire. Ironic (and exhausting) seesaw.

#3. It's possible to know something in your head but feel something completely different in  your heart...this wasn't really an "ah-hah" revelation to me, but it was incredibly comforting to hear it from the pulpit. Having been a Christ-follower for over 20 years, I have a lot of head knowledge about my faith, a lot of things I know fundamentally to be true about God. At the same time, I'm a complete feeler. I have a huge heart (see every other blog I've written) that can sometimes win out over the logic in my head. This spurs a lot of internal conflict--especially when it comes to relationship struggles, whether dating or friendship or family.

I'll leave you with the text of the Psalm. It's simple and poignant at the same time. There's no easy solution to navigating the dark times in life, but using David's model can certainly help with the night vision...


Psalm 13

 ¹ How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
²How long must I take counsel in my soul
   and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

 ³ Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
    light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
⁴ lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
   lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

 ⁵But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
   my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
⁶I will sing to the LORD,
   because he has dealt bountifully with me.

doing something with what you've got

So a week away from the snowfall of the century here in DC and I'm still trying to sort my life back out. Someone told me today that the Blizzard revealed everyone's true nature. I sort of hope that isn't the case for me, because I definitely have been slightly (or a lot) insane over the past two weeks. Thankfully, I finally got to go to church on Monday night. 

We're in the middle of a sermon series on spiritual disciplines and the past two weeks our pastor has been talking about the importance of Bible study. It's a common mantra at Frontline that what you hear in the 30 minutes Todd Phillips (our teaching pastor) is preaching each week is just enough to make you dangerous, but little else. This week he made a point that's really stuck with me: God may withhold revealing additional truth to us if we've failed to do anything with the truth we're given. 

He referenced the parable of the talents in Matthew 25, where a master goes away and entrusts his property to three of his servants. Two of these servants take the master's money and increase it two fold, while the third buries his money in the ground out of fear of his master.  After the master returns from his journey he is pleased with the fruitful servants and displeased with the "slothful" servant. 

This passage is ripe with application and analogies, but to tie it back to what Todd said, the master was displeased with the servant who hadn't done anything with what he'd been given. I've been spending a lot of time this week thinking about the Biblical truths God has clearly revealed to me, even just over the past nine months. God has entrusted me with far more than I deserve, and revealed parts of His character to me that I previously haven't known. I've learned a lot, but I can't confidently say I've been entirely diligent in applying these truths. 

What good is knowing truth if it doesn't change you? I know that my life goes a lot better when I'm applying God's truth in my life, and worse when I don't. So why must I constantly be like Paul in Romans 7, doing what I do not want to do--or worse, wanting to do the things I know I should not want to do, all the while having the audacity to continue to ask the Lord to reveal more of Himself to me. I can't quite imagine what my life would be like if I'd already been faithful in applying the truth He's shown me during the 20 plus years as a Christ-follower.

There is so much I have yet to apply, but there is one big truth in particular that comes to mind that God has revealed to me over and over again the past few years that I have yet to fully embrace and apply in my life. So this month I'm abandoning Facebook and gchat to focus more on this truth and how to make it manifest in my life, and how, when I apply it, it allows me to "share in my master's happiness."

are you afraid of the dark?

I never thought I had huge issues with fear. I'm not scared of rodents, or things that creep on the ground, or the dark, or getting lost, or people I don't know, or heights, or small tight spaces, or big crowded spaces. What I'm finally realizing though is that while I may not fear all of those tangible things. I definitely fear intangible things. Well one intangible thing. I fear losing people in my life that I care about. Not in a morbid "they just got hit my a bus" sense, but in an "oh they don't like me or need me or want to know me anymore" sense. I was talking about this with one of my friends today and she mentioned that it makes sense that my greatest fear would be tied to my greatest gift--loving on people. 

I guess it makes sense. Satan isn't going to waste time attacking me in something that I already suck at or just don't even care about. Instead he's going to sucker punch me by telling me I'm not a good friend, by convincing me I'm selfish, and by making me feel like all of my relationships are either about to fall apart or already failing. It's startlingly easy to get caught up in these irrational, silly traps. And the only way I can defeat this fear is to surrender it to the Lord over and over again, sometimes once a day, sometimes once a minute. The times when I don't surrender my fear of losing people I care about (or maybe a better way to phrase it is being left by the people I care about?), it starts to consume me. For an instant, it even makes me wish I loved the people I love less so that it wouldn't hurt so much when they pull away. It makes me wish for less of one of the greatest gifts God has equipped me with. Kind of astounding. Got me to thinking that must be something akin to what God feels when his children push him away, how much it grieves him when we're disobedient or focused on anything apart from Christ. 

Anyway, no huge revelations here. Just a good verse to tie it all together...

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." I John 4:18. 

more on love

So I've done a pretty good job at convincing myself I'm "good" at loving on people. To a certain extent, it's true. I tend to lean towards grace. I tend to be generous. I tend to be self-sacrificing to a fault in my friendships and relationships. In particular, when I'm letting the Lord fill me up, I seriously overflow with love in a way that probably seems manic to people who've never experienced the real and living God. Still, a couple of weeks ago someone pointed out that at its most basic level, the true manifestation of being a self-proclaimed Christ-follower is the process of a lifetime of pouring out and expecting nothing in return. We're all screw ups and no one deserves anyone. That's the beauty of the freedom we have in Christ--a freedom to love beyond measure because we're loved beyond measure, free from being consumed by the guilt of the continual, unavoidable screwing up. I understand the Biblical concept of being poured out like a drink offering and that the source of it all is Christ. At the end of the day though, for the most part, I still want to be loved back by those I choose to love, no matter how much I tell myself it doesn't matter. Does this mean I'm not letting God fill me up enough with His love? Does it mean I'm not loving God enough or trusting Him enough? Can't really wrap my head around an answer to those questions.

a light when all others go out

The past sixth months have been a spiritual and emotional rollercoaster for me. This October I thought I'd hit rock bottom. Slowly I recovered and regained my ability to rely on myself, only to wake up in January and feel like my passion for life had simply evaporated. It wasn't that I was unhappy or miserable. I was just apathetic--which for me is a worse state than being angry or upset or depressed because I'm typically so full of zest for life. My twenty-plus years of Christian experience provides a simple recipe for escaping apathy: read the Word and pray. For the better part of the last month though, I've really struggled to do this. I've prayed, but opening my Bible has seemed impossible. It was like there was some sort of imaginary clamp on it that I couldn't bring myself to pry off.

Thankfully, the Lord has wisely surrounded me by the strongest community of believers I've ever known in my life. Sunday, a friend encouraged me (or really gently forced me) to just open my Bible and start reading John. And not simply reading, but READING. As in, absorbing, digesting, listening, rather than glossing over. I quipped that I could recite the entire first chapter of John without reading it, but my friend was insistent and for some reason I listened. Funnily, I didn't make it past the first five verses. Particularly verses four and five I kept reading over and over:

"In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."

When I finally submitted and started reading my Bible the darkness and apathy that has plagued me for the past month evaporated. It sounds crazy right? You don't just come out of something, but the past few days I feel like I've been renewed in a way that I can't fully describe. And I only am hungering to read the Word more and more. This is the strongest evidence possible to the power and truth and immediacy of my faith. The living, breathing Word of God has the ability to pull me out of wherever I'm at and change me instantaneously.

So whatever you're struggling with, big, small, tangible, evasive, get out a Bible and start reading. John is a good place to begin, but the Word of our Lord does not return void, so wherever you end up you will find that living light that shines in the darkness. You will find the Word that became flesh. You will find the Word through which all things were made. And you will be restored. Sound crazy? Absolutely. Ironically, it only functions to affirm what I know in my heart to be true. Every morning this week I've been reading my Bible and I feel alive again for the first time in a long time.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned..." John 3:16-18a

100119

misperceptions of others' perceptions
leading to extreme misdirection
round and round and round we go
where does this all stop? God only knows
the cruelest part of it all
is thinking rock bottom was months ago
recovered to functionality
now stuck in an inescapable apathy
trying the same thing over and over again
expecting different results all the same
the very definition of insanity
what's happened to me?
not unhappy
lost in an unnavigable ocean
gradually being lulled by the incessant motion of disappointment
heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak
too much to take
too insolent to listen
misguided self-reliance
repetition is suffocating
where are You?

when the Lord is quiet

What do you do when after six months of intense spiritual highs and lows, you suddenly fall flat with God? My fundamental beliefs about my faith haven't changed. I still believe what I have for pretty much my entire life and am convinced of the truths I cling to as the meaning behind why I'm here. Yet, for all my belief, my faith has become routine. I believe it and I live it, but it isn't alive in me. It isn't giving me the vibrancy, the complete joy that God promises to his faithful children.

A few days of thinking about it have only made it more frustrating to me. The root of the problem appears to stem from this: now that the most recent trial of my life has fully past and I feel healed of what I thought would never be healed, my willful independence has returned. It's not that I'm selfish, but rather incredibly self-reliant. Makes it difficult to rely on a God who demands my complete reliance. I know the recipe for getting out of this "rut"

Pray for God to change my heart and ignite my faith
Dig into the Bible

But right now, all of it is just going through the motions. God is quiet.

God isn't a big version of me...

With 2010 rolling full steam ahead already, I've been thinking a bit this weekend about things I'd like to accomplish this year. It's mostly fun stuff--learn how to bake an amazing cherry pie, go for a hike somewhere new in the Virginia mountains, write more. Really, I'm not a big fan of resolutions. They typically end up as unfinished things you wish you'd continued or things you never even get started on all together. It's so easy to say things and promise to do things. Last weekend at church the New Year's sermon was on changing your perspective, which couldn't have been more timely for me. I don't have a lot of life changes coming up or a lot of big goals, and lately it seems life has turned into my own personal version of Ground Hog day a little bit. But the point of the message was that God wants to do great things in all of our lives this year if we step back and let him. That led me to thinking quite a bit about how I've viewed God lately, more as a perfect version of us instead of as God.Thankfully, this couldn't be further from the truth.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

So instead of setting 2010 goals, I'm setting a 2010 perspective: to stay focused on God, the God that chose to love me above all else, and remember He is so much more than a perfect version of humanity.